Finding Personal Peace In Radical Authenticity

A book recommendation (maybe) and lessons in finding the courage to be disliked

Dearest Reader,

How many nights have you lost sleep replaying an uncomfortable social interaction or anticipating someone’s reaction, or feared losing your credibility because of some unhappy person’s opinion of you, or worse, feared losing your community because someone has slandered your character? The feeling is primal, it’s an innate fear of being outcasted and ostracized, of losing connection when connection is vital. The strong desire to defend and to prove your worth, to be liked by all can feel necessary for survival.

My name is Haley and I’m a recovering people pleaser. Symptoms of people pleasing can be perfectionism, worrying about rejection, over giving, feeling anxious or upset by conflict and disagreement, apologizing when you aren’t at fault, being quick to agree, and having a hard time saying “no”. The side effects are that it robs you of your peace, your time, your intuition, your self love, the quality of your relationships, your clarity, your desires, and your sight on your unique life path. How does one make efforts to recover from people pleasing? Through choosing the unfamiliar and, quite honestly, necessary discomfort of choosing to relate differently. Articulating our needs, self advocation, knowing what our boundaries are, setting them and then holding to them can feel more uncomfortable for a people pleaser than the depleting state of always trying to make others happy, but with each new boundary we set, our growth edges are expanded and we are rewarded with the liberation of living authentically.

Last month, over a couple of days painting the interior of our little home, I listened through the audio book of The Courage To Be Disliked, as per multiple recommendation. Those evenings I’d go back to our old place after a workday and replay for my husband the bookmarked passages that I felt were worth sharing and we’d discuss. Similar to the philosophies of Eckhart Tolle, there are some concepts within this book that, while intended to be simple, feel reductionist to the point of being dismissive of the reality of being human and having big, complicated feelings. I’m also aware that that is the authors’ point — that humans over complicate things, especially our emotions, and that interpersonal relationships have the potential to be a lot more objective if only we were more rational. If only. What I have been leaning on however, during this time when it’s unfortunately become relevant to my partner and I, is the overall theme as referenced in the title, of finding one’s courage to be disliked. The spark notes of this concept: other people’s opinions of you are none of your business and to be disliked by a few means you’re probably living authentically and not merely to people please. Oof.

Last week, for the first time since committing to my writing practice in January, I had no Sunday Letter to send you. I gave myself a pass to break my weekly writing streak, with only minimal guilt (perfectionist in recovery!). A full seven days in our new living space and the weight of some attributing stressors had become all too palpable. Untying a tangled knot tethering us to our previous residence, a missing member from our beloved black cat family, and the unglamorous side of our what occasionally still feels like “glamping” new lifestyle drew a dark cloud over what we had anticipated being a fresh chapter of freedom. There was still so much beauty and pleasure to behold in our days, and for fleeting moments we would catch it in the first look at the big trees out the window in the early morning and in the view of starry night skies from the breezy claw foot tub fed by an on-demand propane heater. But a heavy heart and a reeling mind are selfish things that don’t leave much room for joy.

One evening after dark, we sat in the rocking chairs usually occupied by a pair of cats on our makeshift lanai, the first tap tap of rain hitting the metal roof. The culmination of the past year and a half welled up inside of me — opening a shop and dedicating my every day to it for nearly four months, closing a shop and a dream, planning a wedding, hosting a wedding, building this new place, moving out and moving in, a threat from an old authority, a missing pet. All of it sat tightly in my throat and heavy on my chest, and I felt a desperate desire to fast forward to the peace I knew was coming for us. Rain fell as I wiped my eyes. A red quilt stitched by my great grandmother under my back. I wanted to write about it, to put words to the magical metaphors of the moment, to spill it out onto a digital page, but instead I chose to stay with the rain, the quilt, and the hand of my beloved. I wish that the me in that moment could have known that just a few nights later, after one full week gone, my king-sized four legged friend named after the dark moon would indeed return. The other worries burdening us we would have to accept letting go of in protection of our peace. That part is still a work in progress.

An important multi-part question to reground and pull things back into the present when we’re wrapped in the web of people pleasing is to ask ourselves, “Who is it I am seeking approval from? Who is it I am trying to please? What am I sacrificing by doing so?” When something we want is at stake — approval, acceptance, friendship, love, an opportunity, an asset, a deal — we can be quick to give our power away in exchange for it. The fallout from that is depletion of our light.

The prescription for people pleasing can be a bitter medicine. Exercising boundaries for the sake of ourselves can be met with discord when the other person is unwilling to accept them. More often than not, resolution is hard to reach with those unwilling to respect your boundaries as it reveals their lack of respect for the relationship and for you. It’s in the accepting of knowing that sometimes unresolved discord exists, resisting an urge beyond your capacity to fix it, and knowing when to move along, with confidence in the content of your character, where personal peace can be reclaimed.

Wishing you peace of mind,